In a message dated 11/9/01 4:47:15 AM Pacific Standard Time,
Gnarlodious@EARTHLINK.NET writes:

<< Oil Change sequence for Men:
 1) Go to auto parts store and write a check for $50.00 for oil, filter,
 kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree.>>

No, real men don;t write checks. I keep my wad of ones and quarters in my
jeans pocket.

<< 2) Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking it back
 to FLAPS to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.>>

Wrong again. We save it for use as hair gel. Saves money that way and the
odor drives diesel driving women wild.

<< 3) Open a beverage and drink it. >>

No. I like half of it in my lap.

<< 4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands. >>

Never use them. That's why  I have an extra Bug. I feel most safe under it.

<< 5) Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.>>

Actually that was MY pedal car. See above -- no jackstands.

<< 6) In frustration, open another beverage and drink it. >>

Sorry can't do it. Using Diet Coke cans as jack stands in the other side.

<< 7) Place drain pan under engine. >>

Nope -- use empty Coke cans.

<< 8) Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
 9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
 10) Unscrew drain plug.>>

Nah, I always use a hammer and a chisel. Works best.

<< 11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: get hot oil on you in process.>>

Ahhhhh yes. a free hot oil salon treatment. Feels great to slick my hair back
withthe stuff.
<< 12) Clean up mess. >>

Duh? Hello??? That's the girlie thing to do. Just call me pigpen Miller.

<< 13) Have another beverage while watching oil drain.>>

Must try to subtitute the empty can filled with used oil to one for the ones
being used as jackstands in the other side. Must switch cans very quickly.

<< 14) Look for oil filter wrench.
 15) Give up;  poke oil filter with screwdriver and twist off.>>

First one you got right. I never look for the wrench cuz I dolt have one. I
just use a big pry bar or a big schooldriver. (Or was that stooldriver?)

<< 16) Beverage.>>

See above.

<< 17) Buddy shows up. Finish oil change tomorrow. >>

Nahh. GF shows up screaming about the mess. Hose me down with the garden hose
to my delight.

<< 18) Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
 19) Throw kitty litter on oil spilled during step 18.>>

Nope skip those. Don't need kitty litter since I just use natural materials.
The porous dirt under the car was just perfect. Plus the resulting oil mud
slurry is great for bikini cald girl mud wrestling.

<< 20) Beverage. No, drank it all yesterday.
 21) Walk to 7-11;  buy beverage.>>

Not thirsty rght now. Mistook can of used oil for a fresh can of Pepsi.

<< 22) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to
gasket
 surface.>>

I believe in saving the environment. I swish gasoline in my old oil filter
then I dump it inmy neighbor's backyard but I mayke sure I don't get any on
his plants. Save the planet and recycle.

<< 23) Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.>>

Nope Use GF's panty hose to strain the old oil. Remember to recycle. Save
some for hair.

<< 24) Remember drain plug from step 11.
 25) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan. >>

Nah, just use spark plug.

<< 26) Discover that the used oil is buried in a hole in the back yard, along
 with drain plug.>>

Good argument for my recycle method.

<< 27) Drink beverage.>>

See answer to 20, 21.

<< 28) Uncover hole and sift for drain plug.
 29) Discover that first quart of fresh oil is now on the floor.
 30) Drink beverage.>>

Skip skip answered before.

<< 31) Slip with wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame.
 32) Bang head on floorboards in reaction to step 31.
 33) Begin fit.
 34) Throw wrench.>>

Not necessary. I just finger tight spark plug with Trident chewing gum as
gasket.

<< 35) Curse for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December>>

Nah, I was cursing cuz I just found out she wasn't wearing a thong.

<< 36) Clean up hands and forehead and bandage as required to stop blood
flow.>>

Mixture of dirt and oil are perfect for this.

<< 37) Dump in five fresh quarts of oil.>>

Don't; be wasteful. Recycle old oil. Besdies it looks just like Mobil 1.

<< 38) Lower car from jack stands.
 39) Accidentally crush one of the jack stands.>>

Yeah those damend Pepsi can just aren't made like they used to be.

<< 40) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during
 step 23.>>

See answer to 19.

<< 41) Test drive car.
 42) Get in car accident. >>

No, I'm not a girl.

<< 43) Car gets impounded.
 44) Get car from impound yard. >>

Buy a second car from impound yard auction while you're there.

Rachel's Neighbor
Terry K. Jr.
aka Mike Miller. Jr.
and never BenT