Sorry - was not aware of the authorship - was sent to me unattributed. I thought it worth sending on to fellow mechanically (dis)inclined types, so...

Jake de Villiers <crescentbeachguitar@TELUS.NET> wrote:Geez Evan, you might have had the courtesy to credit Peter Egan with
authorship of this old Road & Track column! It hits the nail on the head
though, doesn't it?

Jake

----- Original Message -----
From: "Evan Mac Donald"
To:
Sent: Friday, November 04, 2005 1:36 PM
Subject: Tools defined (it's a Fryedaye thing...)

> See how many of these you recognise - or may even have!!
>
>
>
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> 1. DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching
> flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the
> chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that
> freshly painted part you were drying.
>
> 2. WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws them somewhere
> under the workbench with the speed of light. Also removes fingerprint
> whorls and hard-earned guitar calluses in about the time it takes you to
> say, "SH**!!!"
>
> 3. ELECTRIC HAND DRILL: Normally used for spinning pop rivets in their
> holes until you die of old age
>
> 4. PLIERS: Used to round off hexagonal bolt heads.
>
> 5. HACKSAW: One of a family of cutting tools built on the Ouija board
> principle: It transforms human energy into a crooked, unpredictable
> motion, and the more you attempt to influence its course, the more
> dismal your future becomes.
>
> 6. VISE GRIP PLIERS: Used to round off bolt heads. If nothing else is
> available, they can also be used to transfer intense welding heat to the
> palm of your hand.
>
> 7. OXYACETYLENE TORCH: Used almost entirely for setting various
> flammable objects in your shop on fire. Also handy for igniting the
> grease inside a wheel hub you're trying to get the bearing race out of.
>
> 8. WHITWORTH SOCKETS: Once used for working on older British cars and
> motorcycles, they are now used mainly for impersonating that 9/16 or 1/2
> socket you've been searching for the last 15 minutes.
>
> 9. HYDRAULIC FLOOR JACK: Used for lowering an automobile to the ground
> after you have installed your new disk brake pads, trapping the jack
> handle firmly under the bumper.
>
> 10. EIGHT-FOOT LONG DOUGLAS FIR 4X4: Used to attempt to lever an
> automobile upward off a hydraulic jack handle.
>
> 11. TWEEZERS: A tool for removing splinters of wood, especially Douglas
> fir.
>
> 12. TELEPHONE: Tool for calling your neighbor to see if he has another
> hydraulic floor jack.
>
> 13. SNAP-ON GASKET SCRAPER: Theoretically useful as a sandwich tool for
> spreading mayonnaise; used mainly for removing dog feces from your
> boots.
>
> 14. E-Z OUT BOLT AND STUD EXTRACTOR: A tool that snaps off in bolt holes
> and is ten times harder than any known drill bit.
>
> 15. TWO-TON HYDRAULIC ENGINE HOIST: A handy tool for testing the tensile
> strength of bolts and fuel lines you forgot to disconnect.
>
> 16. CRAFTSMAN 1/2 x 16-INCH SCREWDRIVER: A large motor mount prying tool
> that inexplicably has an accurately machined screwdriver tip on the
>
> end without the handle.
>
> 17 AVIATION METAL SNIPS: See hacksaw.
>
> 18. TROUBLE LIGHT: The home builder's own tanning booth. Sometimes
> called drop light, it is a good source of vitamin D, "the sunshine
> vitamin," which is not otherwise found under cars at night. Health
> benefits aside, its main purpose is to consume 40-watt light bulbs at
> about the same rate that 105-mm howitzer shells might be used during,
> say, the first few hours of the Battle of the Bulge. More often dark
> than light, its name is somewhat misleading.
>
> 19. PHILLIPS SCREWDRIVER: Normally used to stab the lids of old-style
> paper-and-tin oil cans and squirt oil on your shirt; can also be used,
> as the name implies, to round off the interiors of Phillips screw heads.
>
> 20. AIR COMPRESSOR: A machine that takes energy produced in a
> coal-burning power plant 200 miles away and transforms it into
> compressed air that travels by hose to an Pneumatic impact wrench that
> grips rusty bolts last tightened 70 years ago by someone at Ford, and
> rounds them off.
>
> 21. PRY BAR: A tool used to crumple the metal surrounding that clip or
> bracket you needed to remove in order to replace a 50 cent part.
>
> 22. HOSE CUTTER: A tool used to cut hoses 1/2 inch too short.
>
> 23. HAMMER: Originally employed as a weapon of war, the hammer
> now-a-days is used as a kind of divining rod to locate expensive parts
> not far from the object we are trying to hit.
>
> 24. MECHANIC'S KNIFE: Used to open and slice through the contents of
> cardboard cartons delivered to your front door; works particularly well
> on boxes containing upholstered items, chrome-plated metal, and plastic
> parts
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> No virus found in this outgoing message.
> Checked by AVG Free Edition.
> Version: 7.1.362 / Virus Database: 267.12.7/159 - Release Date: 11/2/2005
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> Evan Mac Donald
>
> 1984 Wolfburg
> 1985 GL 7 Pass.
> 1991 Carat Weekender
> 1972 Chevy P/U
> 1993 Bonneville
>