Finally something about the Haynes that I understand:

If you have to read about it in this manual, you don�t have a prayer of
getting it done unless you�re TK.

Mike

On 4/25/06 10:10 AM, "Jens Jakob Andersen" <jayjay@ZORCK.DK> wrote:

> Now I understand better why I get so much trouble at the car, when it looked
> so easy in the Haynes:
> 
> --------
> Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise.
> Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer
> counterclockwise.
> 
> Haynes: This is a snug fit.
> Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
> 
> Haynes: This is a tight fit.
> Translation: Not a hope in hell, bucko!
> 
> Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
> Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start;
> now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox...
> 
> Haynes: Pry... 
> Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
> 
> Haynes: Undo... 
> Translation: Go buy a BIG can of WD40...
> 
> Haynes: Retain small spring...
> Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly took my eye out!"
> 
> Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
> Translation: "OK - that's the glass part off, now use some good
> pliers to dig out the base...
> 
> Haynes: Lightly...
> Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your
> forehead are throbbing...
> 
> Haynes: Routine maintenance...
> Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
> 
> Haynes: One spanner rating.
> Translation: Your mother could do this... so how did you manage to
> botch it up? 
> 
> Haynes: Two spanner rating.
> Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a
> low, tiny, little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram
> was a map of the Tokyo underground.
> 
> Haynes: Three spanner rating.
> Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!
> 
> Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
> Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!
> 
> Haynes: Compress...
> Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear
> at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the
> garage for while muttering "Piece of Sh@t" repeatedly under your
> breath. 
> 
> Haynes: Inspect...
> Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
> looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep,
> as I thought, it's broke!"
> 
> Haynes: Carefully...
> Translation: You are about to cut yourself.
> 
> Haynes: Retaining nut...
> Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
> 
> Haynes: Get an assistant...
> Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you
> know. 
> 
> Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed.
> Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much
> harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided,
> you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark
> plugs. 
> 
> Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
> Translation: But you swear in different places.
> 
> Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs...
> Translation: Snap off...
> 
> Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
> Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
> 
> Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
> Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate
> heat. 
> 
> Haynes: Index 
> Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want
> to do! 
>