dear phriday phunnies

thanks for that
i read the whole thing to my wife ... she laphed alot
too
yours
On Fri, Jan 9, 2009 at 7:01 PM, joel walker <uncajoel@bellsouth.net> wrote:

> Heisenberg had some thoughts on that.  You will have all the tools
>> to fix
>> whatever broke last time.  You will have all but one essential bit
>> to fix
>> what broke this time.
>>
>
> Heisenberg was Murphy's brother-in-law. :)
>
>  Learn to change a tire by yourself, in the rain, in your driveway.
>> Learn to
>> replace the headlight switch by flashlight in deep fog and 30
>> degrees, in
>> your driveway.  Replace the alternator belt with the new one you
>> bought.  In
>> the dark...etc etc.
>> Then,according to Robert Pirsig, you may be worthy of true vanagon
>> enjoyment.
>>
>
> ok, ok, ya forced it out of me ...
>
>
>        Quiz: Should YOU Own A Volkswagen Bus?
>
> From time to time, those of us with hopelessly shot old Volkswagen
> Buses get The Question.  You know what I mean: a co-worker or a friend
> or a family member will catch a glimpse of the way the trouble light
> gleams on the one good fender of your pride and joy and say,
> "Maybe I should get one of these.  What are they really like to own?"
>
> To save time and trouble, I've developed a carefully researched quiz
> (meaning I've spent most of the afternoon goofing off on this instead
> of doing useful work that my boss wants) that will help you in such
> times.  Keep a supply of these handy -- to order, reply by electronic
> mail and please have your Visa card number at the top of the
> message --
> and just pass them out whenever someone sighs, looks at your classic
> bus, and says "You know, I always wanted one of those ..."
>
> This quiz will give them the definitive answer to the question of
> whether they are the right kind of person to own a Volkswagen bus.
> Use a #2 pencil, take your time, and remember, answer truthfully --
> the marriage you save may be your own.
>
> 1.  You climb into the driver's seat of a car you haven't driven
> for nearly a week, turn the key, and nothing happens.  You:
>
>   A.  Call AAA and ask that the car be towed directly to the dealer
>   where you pay to have the charging system fully inspected.  The
>   dealer ends up billing you $470 for the inspection and $110 for
>   a new battery, and you have to spend an additional $75 at a detail
>   shop to get the grease stains out of the floor mats.
>
>   B.  Call AAA and have them jump-start the car, at which point
>   you buy a new battery for $95 and pay another $30 to have it
>   installed.
>
>   C.  Jump-start the car from whatever other vehicle in your
>   stable is currently running and drive around at high speed
>   to charge the battery quickly.
>
>   D.  Crawl underneath it with your screwdriver and cigarette
> lighter
>   (or mallet, if you are less mechanically deft) to jar the solenoid
>   loose.
>
>
> 2.  A few weeks later, the car does the same thing, this time on a
> new battery.  You:
>
>   A.  Call AAA, have them take the car back to the dealer and talk
>   loudly about small claims court; this time they charge you $780
>   to replace the alternator, but because you were so outraged, they
>   throw in a new pine-tree air freshener and put paper mats on
>   the carpet (which get wadded up under the brake pedal anyway
>   and therefore still let the mechanic smear grease on your carpet).
>
>   B.  Call AAA, have the car jump-started, and take it to the
>   dealer where you quickly trade it in on a new model before
>   the problem recurs, at a total cost, including tax, license,
>   depreciation, interest, and dealer markup, of close to $6000.
>
>   C.  Realize you have a short-circuit somewhere that's causing
>   a slow leak, so you buy a battery-terminal cut-off switch and
>   install it yourself, for a total cost of $4.96 including tax
>   and a new grease-impregnated felt ring for under the terminal.
>
>   D.  Rig an extra 10 guage wire to give the solenoid an extra shot
>   at working while your clothes are still dry (but keep that
>   screwdriver handy) and start parking on top of that small hill
>   close to your apartment.
>
>
> 3.  Starting to think about selling the car, you dither about what to
> get as a replacement, and finally decide on:
>
>   A.  Another of the same make, because Consumer's Report gave
>   it their highest overall rating.
>
>   B.  Another of the same make, because you just read in Car and
>   Driver that the J.D. Powers index has rated this brand in the top
>   three on overall customer satisfaction for the past four years.
>
>   C.  A Volkswagen Bus. I mean, as long as the car's going to have
>   problems, you might as well have something absolutely useful and
>   functional and big enough to sleep in, right?
>
>   D.  Keeping it.  Who sells cars?  If it's worth money to someone
>   else, it's worth restoring, or at least parking it out back of the
>   house until you can get around to working on it.
>
>
> 4.  When buying your new car, you make your purchasing decision:
>
>   A.  By shopping a number of local dealers to find which one has a
>   free courtesy van and loaner cars while yours is in the shop.
>
>   B.  By shopping a number of local dealers until you find one that
>   has the model you like in that wicked opalescent plum, with the
>   huge lighted vanity mirrors that your spouse likes.
>
>   C.  Because when you see the car, your arms start shaking and your
>   knees get weak and you know that if you don't have THAT car, you
>   will never be able to function as a fulfilled human being.
>
>   D.  Because you have a spare engine that might fit, and the
>   floorboards aren't *that* rusty.  Besides this one looks
>   *challenging*.
>
>
> 5.  When you have found the car you want to buy, you pay:
>
>   A.  $50 over factory invoice, and you know it's the factory
> invoice
>   because the dealer showed you a computer printout.
>
>   B.  The dealer's asking price, and you snicker all the way home,
>   knowing you made a great deal because they gave you *your*
>   full asking price on the trade in.
>
>   C.  Every penny you can scrape together, including what you have
>   in your 401(K) and next month's house payment.  I mean, some
>   things are just more important than others.
>
>   D.  The tow truck driver an extra $10.00 not to hook up to the
>   bumper.
>
>
> 6.  When you arrive home with your new purchase, you immediately:
>
>   A.  Spray the interior with Scotchgard so that it won't stain when
>   the preschooler dumps a McDonald's Happy Meal on it and then
>   sits on the ketchup smears to keep out of trouble.
>
>   B.  Put a car cover on it in the garage so that nothing drips on
>   the paint.
>
>   C.  Put a clean layer of kitty litter under it so you can see
>   where the drips under it are coming from.
>
>   D.  Start explaining to the spouse what a deal it was, as you
>   vacuum out all the old roaches and stash bags.
>
>
> 7.  You know you're an enthusiast, because the first weekend you
> own this car, you:
>
>   A.  Look through the Crutchfield catalog to see what components
>   you can add to enhance the bass response on the CD-player.
>
>   B.  Look through the ads in back issues of Road & Track to see
>   to see what rims will make it look really baaaaad.
>
>   C.  Look through the ads in the current issues of Hot VWs and VW
>   Trends to see who is having a sale so you can stock up on the
> parts
>   that you expect to fail in the next few months.
>
>   D.  Start calling junkyards near and far to see who has a spare
>   left rear taillight lens.
>
>
> 8.  When it's time for your first oil change, you:
>
>   A.  Take it to the dealer -- after all, it's important to have
>   factory-certified technicians work on your vehicle.
>
>   B.  Take it to Sears -- after all, it's important to have a
>   handy local shop to blame if anything goes wrong.
>
>   C.  Do it yourself, in the garage or carport.  Drain the engine,
>   and refill it with Castrol -- after all, the Porsche racing team
>   was sponsored by Castrol for all of their famous wins in the
>   Sixties and Seventies, and Dr. Porsche designed the engines in the
>   VW Buses, too.
>
>   D.  Do it yourself, using whatever Autozone has on sale. And while
>   you're down there, see about those pushrod tube seals and set the
>   valve clearance, which reminds you to check the exhaust gaskets
>   (cause it's been a bit loud lately), which makes you notice a hole
>   in your heater box, but luckily you have some aluminum tape ...
>
>
> 9.  When it has to be left overnight for service, you:
>
>   A.  Take it to the dealer and are ruined by the experience of
>   driving the loaner car, which is the next most expensive model,
>   equipped with leather interior, four cup-holders and a 10-CD
>   jukebox.  Driving your old car isn't going to be the same after
>   you've been in this one.
>
>   B.  Put it off -- after all, this car's reputation for quality
>   means you should never have to worry about service, right?
>
>   C.  Put it off -- after all, the dealer has nothing but morons
>   and crooks working there, who don't know anything about fixing
>   buses at all.  And the independent mechanics just laugh and make
>   jokes about your sanity when you drive up.
>
>   D.  Car-pool with your spouse/neighbor for the next three weeks
>   while you wait for the new cylinder heads in the mail, cause the
>   old ones got really damaged when you used that air impact wrench
>   to put in those new sparkplugs, cause it was much faster, and you
>   did that so you would have time to fix that heater box and you
>   can replace that after the car is back on the road as long as you
>   don't run the heater till then...
>
>
> 10.  A somewhat irresponsible family member asks to borrow
> your car.  You:
>
>   A.  Are a little nervous, but know that at least the car's
> advanced
>   safety features will protect the driver even in the case of an
>   accident. That way you can savor the pleasure of the kill
> yourself.
>
>   B.  Suddenly remember that you've entered the Atascadero
>   Porcupine Grooming Contest that weekend and that you need
>   the car to bring along your quill-removal gear.
>
>   C.  Spend half an hour explaining the Ying and Yang of Bus
> Driving,
>   the philosophy of Belligerent Defensive Driving with No Crash
>   Protection, how your butt drops out from under you during panic
>   stops, how it only SEEMS like you are going to tip over as you
>   go around corners, and how you really don't think it's a good idea
>   for people who have never driven a Bus to start now, because of
>   the current political situation downtown and the alignment of
>   Jupiter with Mars.
>
>   D.  Spend half an hour going over the details, like how to start
>   the car on the first three tries (using the switch that feeds the
>   that extra 10 gauge wire), how to keep it running without stalling
>   until it warms up, and how the headlight switch operates the
>   backup lights, the bass button on the radio works the parking
>   lights and the heater fan, the rear defroster switch works the
>   high beams, and of course, the heater box that is still broken
> even
>   after you changed the spark plugs so be sure to bring a jacket and
>   a towel to wip the condensation off the inside of the windshield.
>   Oh, and don't forget NOT to push in the cigarette lighter.
>   You don't want to know what happens if you do that.
>
>
> YOUR SCORE
>
> If you answered A to more than five questions, you should own a new
> European Luxury Sports Car.  Rush right out and buy one.  Now.  The
> manufacturer doesn't matter much, as long as it is German, Italian,
> British, or Swedish.  Don't buy French makes; their names are hard to
> pronounce and they are not spelled correctly.  And they are not very
> fashionable right now.  Be sure to get one with a large model number,
> like 500, 850, 928, or 9000 (stay away from small model numbers like
> 80, 280, 320 ... small numbers indicate small minds, and get no
> respect
> from dealer service personnel).  Front-wheel drive is the current
> vogue
> and will therefore make you and your car much more unique and more
> fashionable.  Be sure to ask the dealer salesperson about what all
> those
> letters and numbers on the tires mean;  after all, it is the job of
> the
> salesperson to be completely informed on every technical aspect of
> your
> car, right?
>
> If you answered B to more than five questions, you should own a
> Japanese car.  Any kind, basically; they're pretty much inter-
> changeable, as long as somewhere in the model designation there's
> a two-letter code with at least one X in it.  That's the important
> thing.
>
> If you answered C to more than five questions, you may actually
> already
> be far enough gone round the bend to own a Volksagen Bus.  To
> determine
> which generation Bus you should choose, look at the answers you gave
> which were NOT C:
>   If you answered mostly A to the other questions, you should get a
>      Eurovan.
>   If you answered mostly B to the other questions, you should get a
>      Vanagon, preferably a water-cooled model.
>   If you answered mostly D to the other questions, you should get an
>      air-cooled Vanagon.
>
> If you answered D to more than five questions, not only do you qualify
> to own a Volkswagen Bus, but you are exactly the type who NEEDS one,
> especially the very old Split-Window Microbus or perhaps a Bread-Loaf
> Bay-Window Bus.
> To decide for certain, put a half-pound of crushed ice
> in your shorts, make a slurry of beach sand and pea-gravel with used
> motor oil and grind it into your scalp, and stand out in the rain
> overnight, smiling like an idiot ... because you know that Suffering
> Builds Character.
> If you manage that, you're in the club!
> ------------------------------------------------------------------------
> shamelessly stolen from
> Scott Fisher <fisher@avistar.com> on the British Car List
> and mortified by
> Joel Walker <uncajoel@bellsouth.net>
> with editorial assistance from
> Steve Dolan <dworkin@netcom.com>
> Ric Golen <rgolen@umassd.edu>
>

--
roger w
There are two kinds of jobs in the world:
Picking up garbage and telling people things.
Successful people do both, with the same good attitude. (riw)
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