Quiz: Should You Own A Volkswagen Bus?

>From time to time, those of us with hopelessly shot old Volkswagen
buses get The Question.  You know what I mean: a co-worker or a friend
or a family member will catch a glimpse of the way the trouble light
gleams on the one good fender of your pride and joy and say,
"Maybe I should get one of these.  What are they really like to own?"

To save time and trouble, I've developed a carefully researched quiz
(meaning I've spent most of the afternoon goofing off on this instead
of doing useful work that my boss wants) that will help you in such
times.  Keep a supply of these handy -- to order, reply by electronic
mail and please have your Visa card number at the top of the message --
and just pass them out whenever someone sighs, looks at your classic
bus, and says "You know, I always wanted one of those ..."
This quiz will give them the definitive answer to the question of
whether they are the right kind of person to own a Volkswagen bus.
Use a #2 pencil, take your time, and remember, answer truthfully --
the marriage you save may be your own.

1.  You climb into the driver's seat of a car you haven't driven
for nearly a week, turn the key, and nothing happens.  You:

    A.  Call AAA and ask that the car be towed directly to the dealer
    where you pay to have the charging system fully inspected.  The
    dealer ends up billing you $470 for the inspection and $110 for
    a new battery, and you have to spend an additional $75 at a detail
    shop to get the grease stains out of the floor mats.

    B.  Call AAA and have them jump-start the car, at which point
    you buy a new battery for $95 and pay another $30 to have it
    installed.

    C.  Jump-start the car from whatever other vehicle in your
    stable is currently running and drive around at high speed
    to charge the battery quickly.

2.  A few weeks later, the car does the same thing, this time on a
new battery.  You:

    A.  Call AAA, have them take the car back to the dealer and talk
    loudly about small claims court; this time they charge you $780
    to replace the alternator, but because you were so outraged, they
    throw in a new pine-tree air freshener and put paper mats on
    the carpet (which get wadded up under the brake pedal anyway
    and therefore still let the mechanic smear grease on your carpet).

    B.  Call AAA, have the car jump-started, and take it to the
    dealer where you quickly trade it in on a new model before
    the problem recurs, at a total cost, including tax, license,
    depreciation, interest, and dealer markup, of close to $6000.

    C.  Realize you have a short-circuit somewhere that's causing
    a slow leak, so you buy a battery-terminal cut-off switch and
    install it yourself, for a total cost of $4.96 including tax
    and a new grease-impregnated felt ring for under the terminal.

3.  Having decided to sell the car, you dither about what to get
as a replacement, and finally decide on:

    A.  Another of the same make, because Consumer's Report gave
    it their highest overall rating.

    B.  Another of the same make, because you just read in Car and
    Driver that the J.D. Powers index has rated this brand in the top
    three on overall customer satisfaction for the past four years.

    C.  A Volkswagen Bus. I mean, as long as the car's going to have
    problems, you might as well have something absolutely useful and
    functional and big enough to sleep in, right?

4.  When buying your new car, you make your purchasing decision:

    A.  By shopping a number of local dealers to find which one has a
    free courtesy van and loaner cars while yours is in the shop.

    B.  By shopping a number of local dealers until you find one that
    has the model you like in that wicked opalescent plum.

    C.  Because when you see the car, your arms start shaking and your
    knees get weak and you know that if you don't have THAT car, you
    will never be able to function as a fulfilled human being.

5.  When you have found the car you want to buy, you pay:

    A.  $50 over factory invoice, and you know it's the factory invoice
    because the dealer showed you a computer printout.

    B.  The dealer's asking price, and you snicker all the way home,
    knowing you made a great deal because they gave you *your*
    full asking price on the trade in.

    C.  Every penny you can scrape together, including what you have
    in your 401(K) and next month's house payment.  I mean, some
    things are just more important than others.

6.  When you arrive home with your new purchase, you immediately:

    A.  Spray the interior with Scotchgard so that it won't stain when
    the preschooler dumps a McDonald's Happy Meal on it and then
    sits on the ketchup smears to keep out of trouble.

    B.  Put a car cover on it in the garage so that nothing drips on
    the new paint.

    C.  Put a clean layer of kitty litter under it so you can see
    where the drips under it are coming from.

7.  You know you're an enthusiast, because the first weekend you
own this car, you:

    A.  Look through the Crutchfield catalog to see what components
    you can add to enhance the bass response on the CD-player.

    B.  Look through the ads in back issues of Road & Track to see
    to see what rims will make it look really baaaaad.

    C.  Look through the Bus Stop catalog to see when they're
    planning a sale so you can stock up on the parts you expect to
    fail in the next few months.

8.  When it's time for your first oil change, you:

    A.  Take it to the dealer -- after all, it's important to have
    factory-certified technicians work on your vehicle.

    B.  Take it to Sears -- after all, it's important to have a
    handy local shop to blame if anything goes wrong.

    C.  Drain the engine and refill it with Castrol -- after all,
    the Porsche racing team was sponsored by Castrol for all of their
    famous wins in the sixties and seventies.

9.  When it's time for its first overnight service, you:

    A.  Take it to the dealer and are ruined by the experience of
    driving the loaner car, which is the next most expensive model,
    equipped with leather interior, four cup-holders and a 10-CD
    jukebox.  Driving your old car isn't going to be the same after
    you've been in this one.

    B.  Put it off -- after all, this car's reputation for quality
    means you should never have to worry about service, right?

    C.  Car-pool with your spouse/neighbor for the next three weeks
    while you wait for the new cylinder heads in the mail, cause the
    old ones got really damaged when you used that air impact wrench
    to put in those new sparkplugs, cause it was much faster, and you
    did that so you would have time to fix that heater box and you
    can replace that after the car is back on the road as long as you
    don't run the heater till then...

10.  A somewhat irresponsible family member asks to borrow
your car.  You:

    A.  Are a little nervous, but know that at least the car's advanced
    safety features will protect the driver even in the case of an
    accident. That way you can savor the pleasure of the kill yourself.

    B.  Suddenly remember that you've entered the Atascadero
    Porcupine Grooming Contest that weekend and that you need
    the car to bring along your quill-removal gear.

    C.  Spend half an hour going over the details, like how to start
    the car on the first three tries, how to keep it running without
    stalling until it warms up, and how the headlight switch operates
    the backup lights, the bass button on the radio works the parking
    lights and the heater fan, and the rear defroster switch works the
    high beams, and of course the heater box that is still broken even
    after you changed the spark plugs so be sure to bring a jacket and
    a towel to wipe the condensation off the inside of the windshield.
    Oh, and don't forget NOT to push in the cigarette lighter.
    You don't want to know what happens if you do that.

YOUR SCORE

If you answered A to more than five questions, you should own a
Volvo.  Rush right out and buy one, preferably an 850, which after
all has front-wheel drive and is therefore more up-to-date.  Be sure
to ask the car sales person about what all the letters and numbers on
the tires mean; after all, it's the sales person's job to be completely
informed on every technical aspect of your car, right?

If you answered B to more than five questions, you should own a
Japanese car.  Any kind, basically; they're pretty much inter-
changeable, as long as somewhere in the model designation there's
a two-letter code with at least one X in it.  That's the important thing.

If you answered C to five or more questions, you may actually be already
far enough gone round the bend to own a Volksagen bus.  To decide for
certain, put a half-pound of crushed ice in your shorts, make a slurry
of beach sand and pea-gravel with used motor oil and grind it into your
scalp, and stand out in the rain overnight, smiling like an idiot
because you know that Experience Builds Character.
If you manage that, you're in the club!
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shamelessly modified and stolen from
>From: fisher@avistar.com (Scott Fisher) on the Volkswagen Car List