Ok, hackerz, nerds, etc.  I'm outta town until Saturday, so you'll have
to promise to keep the list in line in my absence.  I'll be sorry to miss
you all (sarcastic cynical laughing in background), and I'll REALLY
miss all the flannel/handcuff jokes (NOT!!!!!)

In the meantime, thinking only of your welfare in my absence, here's
the Friday funnies, a bit early....these are signs/things seen while
travelling, mostly abroad.  :

In a Tokyo Hotel:  Is forbitten to steal hotel towels please.  If you are not 
person to do such thing is please not to read notis.

In another Japanese hotel room:  Please to bathe inside the tub.

In a Bucharest hotel lobby:  The lift is being fixed for the next day.  During 
that time we regret that you will be unbearable.

In a Leipzig elevator:  Do not enter the lift backwards, and only when lit up.

In a Belgrade hotel elevator:  To move the cabin, push button for wishing 
floor.  If the cabin should enter more persons, each one should press a number 
of wishing floor.  Driving is then going alphabetically by national order.

In a Paris hotel elevator:  Please leave your values at the front desk.

In a hotel in Athens:  Visitors are expected to complain at the office between 
the hours of 9 and 11 A.M. daily.

In a Yugoslavian hotel:  The flattening of underwear with pleasure is the job 
of the chambermaid.

In a Japanese hotel:  You are invited to take advantage of the chambermaid.

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery:  You 
are welcome to visit the cemetery where famous Russian and Soviet composers, 
artists, and writers are buried daily except Thursday.

In an Austrian hotel catering to skiers:  Not to perambulate the corridors in 
the hours of repose in the boots of ascension.

The menu of a Polish hotel:  Salad a firmUs own make; limpid red beet soup 
with cheesy dumplings in the form of a finger; roasted duck let loose; beef 
rashers beaten up in the country peopleUs fashion.

On the menu of a Swiss restaurant:  Our wines leave you nothing to hope for.

In a Hong Kong supermarket:  For your convenience, we recommend courteous, 
efficient self-service.

Outside a Paris dress shop:  Dresses for street walking.

In a Rhodes tailor shop:  Order your summerUs suit.  Because is big rush we 
will execute customers in strict rotation.

>From the Soviet Weekly:  There will be a Moscow Exhibition of Arts by 15,000 
Soviet Republic painters and sculptors.  These were executed over the past two 
years.

In an East African newspaper:  A new swimming pool is rapidly taking shape 
since the contractors have thrown in the bulk of their workers.

In a Vienna hotel:  In case of fire, do your utmost to alarm the hotel porter.

A sign posted in GermanyUs Black Forest:  It is strictly forbidden on our 
black forest camping site that people of different sex, for instance, men and 
women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for 
that purpose.

In a Zurich hotel:  Because of the impropriety of entertaining guests of the 
opposite sex in the bedroom, it is suggested that the lobby be used for this 
purpose.

In an advertisement by a Hong Kong dentist:  Teeth extracted by the latest 
Methodists.

In a Rome laundry:  Ladies, leave your clothes here and spend the afternoon 
having a good time.

In a Czechoslovakian tourist agency:  Take one of our horse-driven city tours 
-- we guarantee no miscarriages.

Advertisement for donkey rides in Thailand:  Would you like to ride on your 
own ass?

On the faucet in a Finnish washroom:  To stop the drip, turn cock to right.

On the box of a clockwork toy made in Hong Kong:  Guaranteed to work 
throughout its useful life.

Detour sign in Kyushi, Japan:  Stop.  Drive Sideways.

In a Swiss mountain inn:  Special today -- no ice cream.

In a Bangkok temple:  It is forbidden to enter a woman even a foreigner if 
dressed as a man.

In a Tokyo bar:  Special cocktails for ladies with nuts.

In a Copenhagen airline ticket office:  We take your bags and send them in all 
directions.

On the door of a Moscow hotel room:  If this is your first visit to the USSR, 
you are welcome to it.

In a Norwegian cocktail lounge:  Ladies are requested not to have children in 
the bar.

At a Budapest zoo:  Please do not feed the animals.  If you have any suitable 
food, give it to the guard on duty.

In the office of a Roman doctor:  Specialist in women and other diseases.

In an Acapulco hotel:  The manager has personally passed all the water served 
here.

>From a Japanese information booklet about using a hotel air conditioner:  
Cooles and Heates - if you want just condition of warm in your room, please 
control yourself.

>From the brochure of a car-rental firm in Tokyo:  When passenger of foot heave 
in sight, tootle the horn.  Trumpet him melodiously at first, but if he still 
obstacles your passage then tootle him with vigor.

Signs in a Majorcan shop entrance:  REnglish well talkingS and RHere speeching 
American.S

These are actual signs seen across the USA:

In a New York restaurant:  Customers who find our waitresses uncivil
ought to see the manager.

On a movie theater:  Children's matinee today.  Adults not admitted
unless with child.

In a florida maternity ward:    No children allowed

In the offices of a loan company:  Ask about our plans for owning your
home.

In a toy department:    Five santa clauses, no waiting.

On a Maine shop:   Our motto is to give our customers the lowest
possible prices and workmanship.

On military bases:      Restricted to unauthorized personel

On a display of "You're my one and only" valentine cards:  Now
available in multi-packs.

In a funeral parlor:    Ask about our layaway plan

In a clothing store:    Bargains for men with 16 and 17 necks

In a men's clothing store:      15 mens wool suits -- $10.00.  They
won't last an hour!

On an Indiana shopping mall marquee:    Archery tournament.  Ears
pierced.

In downtown Boston:     Callahan Tunnel/No End

In the window of a general store:  Why go elsewhere and be cheated when
       you can come right here?

In a Maine restaurant:  Open 7 days a week and weekends

In a New Jersey restaurant:  Open 11AM to 11PM Midnight

In a Pennsylvania cemetery:  Persons are prohibited from picking
flowers from any but their own graves.

On the grounds of a private school:     No tresspassing without
permission

In a library:   Blotter paper will no longer be available until the
public stops taking it away

In front of a New Hampshire car wash:  If you can't read this, it's
time to wash your car.
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    Not a Through Street
    No U-Turn

    BUS STOP
    Buses Excepted