>>>
>>>WASHINGTON, DC -- On Tuesday, Congress approved the Americans
>>>With No Abilities Act, sweeping new legislation that provides
>>>benefits and protection for more than 135 million talentless
>>>Americans.
>>>
>>>The act, signed into law by President Clinton shortly after
>>>its passage, is being hailed as a major victory for the
>>>millions upon millions of U.S. citizens who lack any real
>>>skills or uses.
>>>
>>>"Roughly 50 percent of Americans -- through no fault of
>>>their own -- do not possess the talent necessary to carve
>>>out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said
>>>Clinton, a longtime ANA supporter. "Their lives are futile
>>>hamster-wheel existences of unrewarding, dead-end busywork:
>>>xeroxing documents written by others, fulfilling mail-in
>>>rebates for Black & Decker toaster ovens, and processing
>>>bureaucratic forms that nobody will ever see. Sadly, for
>>>these millions of nonabled Americans, the American dream
>>>of working hard and moving up through the ranks is simply
>>>not a reality."
>>>
>>>Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25
>>>million important-sounding "middle man" positions will be
>>>created in the white-collar sector for non-abled persons,
>>>providing them with an illusory sense of purpose and ability.
>>>Mandatory, non-performance-based raises and promotions will
>>>also be offered to create a sense of upward mobility for
>>>even the most unremarkable, utterly replaceable employees.
>>>
>>>The legislation also provides corporations with incentives
>>>to hire non-abled workers, including tax breaks for those
>>>who hire one non-germane worker for every two talented hirees.
>>>
>>>Finally, the Americans With No Abilities Act also contains
>>>tough new measures to prevent discrimination against the
>>>non-abled by banning prospective employers from asking such
>>>job-interview questions as, "What can you bring to this
>>>organization?" and "Do you have any special skills that
>>>would make you an asset to this company?"
>>>
>>>"As a non-abled person, I frequently find myself unable to
>>>keep up with co-workers who have something going for them,"
>>>said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as an unessential
>>>filing clerk at a Minneapolis tile wholesaler last month
>>>because of her lack of notable skills. "This new law should
>>>really help people like me."
>>>
>>>With the passage of the Americans With No Abilities Act, Gertz
>>>and millions of other untalented, inessential citizens can
>>>finally see a light at the end of the tunnel.
>>>
>>>Said Clinton: "It is our duty, both as lawmakers and as human
>>>beings, to provide each and every American citizen, regardless
>>>of his or her lack of value to society, some sort of space to
>>>take up in this great nation."
>>>