It's nearly Friday and I'm off the net for the next couple of days, so I got
to post my funny to you today.

The following extracts are perfectly genuine - taken from actual
 letters sent to the DHSS (Social Security UK). Although rather crude
 they are written in good faith by the senders." :

  **
  Our lavatory seat is broken in half and is now in three pieces.

  **
  Can you please tell me when our repairs are going to be done as
  my wife is about to become an expectant mother.

  **
  I want some repairs doing to my cooker as it backfired and burnt
  my knob off.

  **
  The toilet is blocked and we can't bath the children until it is
  cleared.

  **
  The man next door has a large erection in his back garden which
  is unsightly and dangerous.

  **
  Will you please send someone to mend our broken path as my wife
  tripped and fell on it and she is now pregnant.

  **
  Our kitchen floor is very damp and we have two children and we would
  like a third so will you please send somebody round to do something
  about it.

  **
  Would you please repair our toilet.  My son pulled the chain and
  the box fell on his head.

  **
  Mrs. Smith has no clothes and has had none for over a year. The
  clergy have been visiting her.............

  **
  I need money to buy special medicine for my husband as he is
  unable to masturbate his food.

  **
  In reply to your letter, I have already cohabited with your officer
  with no results so far.

  **
  I am pleased to inform you that my husband who was reported missing,
  is dead.

  **
  Mrs. Adams has asked me to collect her money as she is going in to
  hospital to have her overtures out.

  **
  Sir, I am forwarding my marriage certificate and two children - one
  of which is a mistake as you will see.

  **
  My husband is diabetic and has to take insolence regular but he
  finds he is lethargic to it.

  **
  Unless I get my husbands maintenance money soon I shall be obliged
  to live an immortal life.

  **
  The children have been off school because there is  a lot of measles
  about and I had them humanised.

  **
  Please forward my money at once as I have fallen into errors with
  my landlord and milkman.

  **
  You have changed my little boy into a little girl.  Will this
> matter?

  **
  Mrs Brown only THINKS she's ill, but believe me she is nothing but a
  hypodermic.

  **
  In accordance with your instructions I have given birth to twins in
  the enclosed envelope.

  **
  I want my sick pay quick.  I have been in bed under the doctor for a
  week and he is doing me no good.  If things don't improve I shall
  get another doctor.

  **
  I do not get any money from my son.  he is in the army and his
  regiment is at present manuring on Salisbury plain.

  **
  Milk is wanted for my baby and the father is unable to supply it.

  **
  Re your dental enquiry.  The teeth on top are alright but those on
  my bottom are hurting dreadfully.

  **
  I am very annoyed to find you have branded my son illiterate.
  This is a lie as I married his father a week before he was born.

  **
  I am sorry I omitted to put down all my children's names.  This was
  due to contraceptional circumstances.

  **
  I wish to complain that my father hurt his ankle very badly when
  he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.

  **
  The lavatory is blocked. This is caused by the boys next door
  throwing balls on the roof.

  **
  This is to let you know there is a smell coming from the man next
  door.

  **
  The toilet seat is cracked - where do I stand?

Happy Christmas all!

David Clark
1985 VW Autosleeper VHT 1.9 2WD
www.soft.net.uk/vwt2oc
{see members rides}
1960 Humber Super Snipe Estate 3L
www.humberonia.freeserve.co.uk
1985 Fiat Uno 1.1L automatic {wife's}